This Is My Happy Face

I haven’t blogged in a while. I haven’t had much to report. Nothing exciting has been happening in my weight loss journey. I’m still struggling with being positive, and up beat about this whole process. But some days are harder than others! Especially when I don’t see the progress that I want to see.

This last month has kind of been like a yo-yo. Two pounds down, two pounds up. Not really going anywhere. Frustrating! Frustrating! Did I say FRUSTRATING?!? Every day I remember to smile and thank God that I have one more day to keep working on loosing the weight and to get healthier. Thank Him that I haven’t yet dropped  from a heart attack…try to remember to be thankful for the little things like that.

Years ago I was watching some cheer leading movie that had Tommy Lee Jones in it. He was playing a FBI agent under cover as a Texas college cheer coach. He was supposed to be smiling and showing his “happy face” to the whole crowd at the football game. His expression was more of a grimace. The assistant coach said “Show them your happy face” through clenched teeth he said “This is my happy face”. That’s it! That’s exactly how I feel!  Some days are easy to laugh and be up beat. the other days…not so much. I just grin and bear it, and say “This is my happy face”.

I’m not depressed. Honestly I’m not (my doctor says I’m mentally sound). I just have a personality that likes things to be smooth and easy, and when that doesn’t happen I seriously stress out and want to throw in the towel and say that’s it I’m done (yeah it makes my life way harder than it should ever be). Easy? Yeah right! That’s NOT how this has been! It hasn’t been easy. Every day I want to say screw it! I’ll stay fat and happy! But the reality is that I’m not fat and happy. I’m fat and miserable!

 This is my happy face!

So onward I go. I’m doing my interval training and my trainer has just added some weights to my exercising. Trying to stay positive I remind myself that I can see changes. I was able to get the treadmill up to a new high speed for me on my interval training (5 miles per hour). That’s a good thing. My favorite pink t-shirt is a little  looser. That’s a good thing. I’ve lost head to toe a combined total of 4 inches. That’s a good thing. I’m down 25 pounds. That’s a good thing. I had to by new underwear because my old ones were getting too big (TMI I know but hey at least something was getting to big). That’s a good thing. I feel like I’m getting a little stronger. That’s a good thing. Small things. It’s the small things that I have to remind myself of. That way the big things don’t seem impossible!

This is my happy face!

This week has been a good week even with the yo-yo stuff on the scale. I got my daughter into the gym with me. On the way home she said that she was surprised at how hard I work in the gym. That made me feel good. I felt stronger on my treadmill work outs. I loved the introduction of the weights but not the sore muscles. I loved the fact that I was able to do some stadium stairs after walking two miles on the track. Maybe my walk could have been a bit faster, but my legs and butt were still a tad sore from the weights. But hey I completed my work out!

This is my happy face!

This is not easy for me. I really want to walk away from it all. But I won’t, I can’t. I know that when I really start to see bigger results I will begin to feel more excited and pumped up.  I’m just wondering when that will be? When will this plateau be over? When will I feel like true progress has been made? When will I see a big physical difference?  When? When? When?



Sweat, Stink, Shoes And Shin Pain

This week I started my workout at the fitness center. Oh yeah I’m loving it! It helps that my dear friend is my trainer, and is right there by my side the whole time. She makes it easier by being my brains. I just listen and do what she says to do. We chat and laugh. It sure makes the time go by faster! The fitness center is hot and not air conditioned, but it’s clean and well maintained, so there is nothing for me to complain about (yes I am a bit of a germaphobe when it comes to some things). It’s just hotter than blazes in there! Maybe it’s supposed to be that way? Does sweating make the fat go away faster? If so turn on the furnace!

I am not a girly girl. I never have been.  When I was younger, I was a cross between girly and tomboy, a  nice mixture of the two (I loved sports but liked to look pretty). I am enjoying being active again, but I really really REALLY hate being sweaty! My feet getting sweaty and cramped in my shoes, yeah that is pure torture! UGH-  The sports bra sticking under my boobs, and my undies stuck to my butt…yeah I don’t care for that at all! I can’t begin to describe the amount of baby powder I use on my rolls to keep comfortable while exercising!  I’m sure if a big gust of wind hit me there would be a puff of white powder trailing behind me! But hey I’m a big gal and I need to be comfortable! Yeah yeah yeah…. TMI I know, but I have to keep it real.  It’s all a part of my journey. It’s all a part of my getting healthy. It’s all about me sharing the good the bad, and the totally embarrassing parts of my process. My trainer said that she loves a good sweat. That it makes her feel like she has had a good workout. I guess I never thought of it that way. Maybe I need to change my view point of sweating. Although I think that may take some serious mental effort on my part! There was one really stinky, sweaty man there the other day next to me …. Oh how it made me want to gag. He was dripping like he had been soaked by a hose. Did I mention I don’t like sweat? Oh I really need to just get over it! It’s a gym for goodness sake! People are supposed to be sweaty and stinky! I need some serious therapy! I am sounding really snooty and stuck up, and really that is so not the way I am. I just need to relax and let go of some of my hang ups!

I am not a super comfortable person in a gym setting. It’s hard being that “fat lady” in a place where people as a rule are “fit and skinny”.  However the fitness center that I go to is not like the fancy fitness centers that you’d see those  big buff body body builders at (like Golds Gym, and Planet Fitness). I have been to gyms like that before and felt so out of place that I never wanted to go back.  This fitness center is at a local high school and is really down to earth. It hasn’t been crowded at all, and every one seems to be pretty nice. I don’t feel uncomfortable there at all. I’m not quite ready to go alone with out my trainer. I’m still in the “infant” stage of my fitness training so I still need to have my hand held so to speak. I’m sure that with time I will be able to go and workout on my own. But for now, I’m happy having my trainer by my side. Besides having someone with you makes it more fun!

I did notice that my shins have begun to hurt a bit. I’m thinking that it’s probably because I live barefooted, and at the gym I have to wear shoes, so my feet are forced into a different position and it just is going to take some getting used to. It’s just slightly uncomfortable. Today I found that while interval training on the treadmill during my up time, I cranked the speed up where it was hard to walk quickly, and was just natural to run, and the shin pain was lessened quite a bit. Down time walking was a tad more uncomfortable. Kinda odd huh? One would think walking would be more comfortable.

What kind of athletic shoes do you wear? Can you make some suggestions? Someone suggested Vibrams because I love being barefooted. But I think that they may take a while to get used to and may not offer the support that my still quite large frame will need. I wear Nike right now, but I’m not sure if they are a good fit for my feet. What about New Balance? Reebok? I’m thinking that a trip to Running Fit (a store in Ann Arbor) is in order. They will watch me walk and look at my foot placement and see what my feet need and fit me with the right shoe.

I mentioned that I ran today. Yes I did run, but to be honest, it was in comparison to someone who is a runner probably a pathetically slow jog. But you know what? I was pretty darn pleased with myself. I used to be a great runner, and was quite competitive. I would love to be a runner again. Not competitively, just run to be healthy. I find walking boring. I’m not sure why, I just do. I always felt a great accomplishment when I finished running, and a new personal time was met. I loved the challenge. I don’t think that I will ever run the mile in the low 5 min range like I used to, but I do know that one day I will run a mile again with out stopping! It won’t matter if it’s a slow pace. It will matter that I’m just doing it! I may not look graceful they way I used to while running. It will matter that I am achieving a new goal that I have set for myself!

I saw this picture and had to laugh! How true this is! I felt so good running today even if it was just in intervals. I know I looked silly. And that’s OK with me!

I just want to run!


I have one more week before I start adding to my workout routine and I am so excited! I am ready for my transformation! I’m ready to be fit and healthy! I’m ready to have my butt kicked in the gym! So I say bring it on!! I can do this!

OH Come on!

My morning text from my Friend/fitness/accountability partner “today’s workout is:45-50 min on the treadmill. Keep the first 35 min high impact. The remaining 10 min slightly lower impact. Then 10 min abs”

Ok I got this! I can handle that! Piece of cake!

I plug in my headphones and turn on Pandora. And off I go. Nice speed. Just below a speed that would put me at a jog. Working my arms engaging my core, chest up. Yes I’ve got this!  This is going great! I’m working up a sweat.  Got a good rhythm, I’m feeling good. This will go by fast.

5 min? That’s all I’ve done so far? Oh Come on!  How is that possible?

Keep focused. Look ahead. Focus on the music. Music always makes things better Right? Eyes straight ahead working my arms. Focus Jen focus!

Oh Come on!  Really how am I the only person who can’t walk in a straight line on a treadmill?!?

That’s ok. I can do this. It’s all good. So what if I can’t walk straight? Who is here to see me?

15 min? Oh come on! There is no way it’s only been 15 min! I so need to get this stupid timer on this treadmill fixed!

 How can I be ready to stop now? I still have abs to do when I’m done on this treadmill! How come today it’s harder than the others? Did I make the mistake in deciding not to pursue weight loss surgery when my A1C levels drop? Wouldn’t that just be an easier option? Am I once again going to fail at loosing weight and getting healthier? Am I once again going to let myself down? Once again prove that I am a failure? Oh come on!  Why am I so self defeating? Suck it up and deal with it! I’m almost done with this treadmill today. It hasn’t really been that bad. 20 min? What the heck!? Oh come on! Why God is this so difficult? Please Lord help me! I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to quit. I want to be successful. Please please please!

Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. Psalm 4:1

I love how when I pray I have a stilling comfort that comes over me. It’s easier to focus and to be positive. God Loves me. He hears my pleas, my tears and reaches out to show me that fear and frustrations don’t come from Him. He wants me to be successful. He wants me to be happy and healthy.  So come on Jen Be positive! It’s not that hard!

If you are sick of starting over, you have to stop quitting.

Never give up on yourself! Make you a priority and keep pushing yourself! You will be surprised what you can achieve!

I was successful in my work out today! I completed all that I was challenged with. I had to strike out the negative thoughts, and remember that it’s going to be hard. I finished with a positive attitude and I’m ready for the next challenge!

So come on and  bring it! I’ve got this!