Lately I’ve had my grumpy pants on, and today I put on the whole suit with socks to match. I’ve been holding on to anger and resentment. Feelings that do nothing but make me miserable. I feel that I’m not getting the support that I need. Let’s be honest I am not getting the support I deserve. That sounds conceited, but that’s not the way I intend it to be. It’s just how I feel. I really don’t need to dive into details because that will not do any good.
I can continue to be angry that when I beg for my family to stand up and support me, and to realize that I need their cheers, I need them to be by my side. I look up and they aren’t there.
I can continue to be angry, but I will do my best to not be.
I can continue to be hurt when I ask someone to come with me on a walk or a run, and no one seems to want to put aside what they are doing to give me 30 minutes.
I can continue to be hurt, but I will try to do my best to not be.
I can be furious when I hear that I’m being selfish because I ask for some support. To be told that it’s not right for me to ask someone to change just because I want to change (I’m not asking for them to change just to care enough to cheer me on, and not to complain when I bring healthy food into the house). Well alrighty then I guess I won’t ask any more.
I can be furious but I will try my best to not be.
But not right now I’m still hurting and angry!
I am in a fight for my life! I am in a fight to be able to see my kids graduate from college. I’m in a fight to live long enough to see them get married! I’m in a fight to live long enough to see my grand-kids born! I am fighting to control diabetes. I’m Fighting because a heart attack is a horrible way to go. I’m fighting because I want to live! So yeah I’m being selfish! I’m possibly the most selfish person there is right now! I will not apologize for wanting, needing support from my family. I will not, cannot continue to feel bad that they can’t/won’t/don’t want to stand behind me. That’s on them not me. I have enough negative emotions towards myself that I don’t need to hold negative emotions towards others. My husband is right I can’t force him exercise, or to eat healthy. That’s on him. I can’t make him care. That’s on him.
As I walked this morning I used it as a time to reflect and pray.
I think it’s better to do this on my own than to have someone alongside me that doesn’t want to be there. Sometimes, it’s better to be alone.
It’s OK to be alone if I’m doing something positive for myself.
It’s OK to be alone if I learn to have faith and confidence and to be proud of what I’m doing.
It’s OK to be alone because deep inside I know I’m not alone. I have God watching over me, and I have friends who are huge supporters, and I do have family that cheer me on, and would love to be right there next to me if we lived closer to each other.
It’s OK to be alone and to reflect and pray because it results in a nice long power walk of 4.33 miles!
It’s OK to be alone when it allows me to see that sometimes it’s alright for me to have emotional moments as long as I can let things go and not let them consume me.
It’s OK to be alone because it helps me to remember that even if they don’t support me the way I’d like, my family still loves me!
It’s OK to be alone because now I’m not so angry
Yeah, it’s OK to be alone sometimes