It’s Not Shuffling…It’s Running!

Today I  Started out bright and early to meet Tahny, my trainer for my first 5k run in literally over 20 years. I thought it was more like 15 but after doing the math I realized my last 5k was PK (pre -kids). I was full of nerves and exhausted due to no sleep the night before (nerves and gut issues due to nerves), but very determined to face the challenge that I gave myself (see previous blog Anything Is Possible). Tahny talked to me about what my game plan was. Game plan? What’s that? I really just only wanted to run this 5k and finish. I didn’t care how long it took. So I guess that was my game plan.

(my number)

We got registered and put on our numbers and took a quick bathroom break, and headed to the starting line. I would have to say at this point I was OK. Pretty calm. We decided that I would let Tahny know when I was comfortable and she could go on ahead of me when she wanted. I was OK with that because I had my music, and I didn’t want to hold her back. Enter the first melt down (as I have said before I like things stress free with no hitches or I tend to come a tad unglued). My music wouldn’t load! How can I do this with no music to drown out my thoughts and breathing? I literally started fidgeting  to keep the tears back. After a few minutes I was able to calm my self down. Seriously who has a melt down because of music?  I couldn’t be the only person there to have a  panic attack! That would be so embarrassing!!! Enter melt down number two…yeah I said it number two and the race hadn’t even started!  All of us runners of the 5k parted and watched as the 12k runners  started their race. As I’m watching all the fit and tone bodies run by looking so confident and strong the tears started flowing. Partly because that used to be me, and I know what it’s like to be that way. I also teared up because I realized what I was getting ready to do. I am a big lady, and it’s a lot to run with at least 100 extra pounds on your body. I was scared that I couldn’t complete the race. I knew I could walk it. I wanted/needed to run it.

We faced the starting line every one squished in ready to go. Then the “cannon” (that’s what I will call it because that’s what it sounded like) and the crowd of 5k runners started. Off we went. I felt a lot of the adrenalin  from those around me and tried not to focus on that. I knew that in order to complete my goal of running the whole run I had to do my pace, which is incredibly slow. As we started to be able to spread out I was feeling a little less emotional. Soon I was passed by a speed walker that started after the runners. He passed like I was a snail. Then came the mom with two kids in a stroller. Ok that was no big deal, but when the grandma (no offense to the elderly because I love the elderly) passed me and she was walking I knew I was in a for a tough time. But Tahny just kept encouraging me. Reassuring me that I was doing just fine.

Thany and I had discussed that at any time I felt that if I felt OK she would run on ahead and run her race.  She was really not running the way she would if I wasn’t there to slow her down, but I was completely OK with her talking to me guiding me. We had also discussed if I had an “OK shut up” moment I was to let her know. My first “OK shut up” came after the first hill and these ladies who were walking, and yes passing me were laughingly discussing that the first mile marker hadn’t been passed yet. Really? That’s what hey needed to talk about and so loudly?? OK shut up now! That’s another reason I wanted my music! I think I may have grumbled under my breath a little. Tahny kept saying that my speed walk was faster than my run. I shrugged and said I wanted to run. After a hearing this a few time I felt a little guilty because I felt that I was slowing her down. I told her to run ahead, but she stayed with me.

Right around the one mile mark, I felt some sense of relief that my breathing felt easier, and my legs were OK and not feeling tired. Tahny said again that if I needed to walk I could (after all it was faster than my running) Once again I refused. She said “wow you are stubborn” I honestly don’t thing she was being mean. I think she had a goal set for my time (she had the watch) and maybe thought I wouldn’t meet that time.  But yeah I was being stubborn. I wanted to run the whole race! Shortly after the one mile mark the We started to see the 12 runners on their 6th mile. Holy cow the front runners were still looking so strong! maybe I felt a tad bit of envy, but I still said “good job” as they passed me.  We approached the two mile mark and Tahny said that once there we would have our one big hill. She said “Feel free to power walk up the hill or not it’s your race do what you want” I think I may have walked up the hill, but then she said “Your walk is faster than your shuffle”  My response sounded kind of whiny as I loudly said “IT’S NOT A SHUFFLE IT’S RUNNING!” Ok maybe it was a shuffle but I was really trying. Yet once again I think she was trying to make sure I didn’t get discouraged. I love her for that! I love the fact that she cared enough to stick by me, and offer words of encouragement even if she thought I was shuffling. I ran up the hill. It wasn’t a big hill, but it was still a hill.  At the top we rounded a corner and were in for the home stretch. I felt good. I had a slight butt cramp, but other than that I felt good. My pace was steady. I never went slower than the pace I started at. I guess that’s good.

Right around the 2.5 mile mark Tahny said she was leaving me so she could be at the finish line with her camera so she could capture my finish.  As soon as I was alone I felt like an abandoned child. I wanted to yell “wait don’t leave me! Come back!” Enter melt down three (I’m so pathetic) Tears that I had been fighting back began to flow. Tears of joy. I was almost finished with something that just a short time ago seemed impossible. As I rounded the last turn I heard a few people that were watching the race shouting out cheers for me! Telling me that I was doing great. I had tears of sadness, because my family was not among the voices that I heard. Their faces weren’t among the ones at the finish line. As I entered the entrance to the finish line, I heard someone yelling my name and cheering me on. It was a lady I had just met before the race. She came back to the finish line to cheer me on! That was pretty cool. Not as cool as it would have been if my family was there showing their support….but still pretty cool. I finished the race in under an hour. I don’t know my placement or official time, I just know it was under an hour. I’m happy with that! I set a goal, and I achieved that goal. I’m happy with that!

I never dreamed that I would ever be able to run in a 5k again. I never thought that I would be so excited about running again. Once the tears stopped and I recovered my breath, and ate some watermelon, I realized that I had fun! I’m ready for my next 5K!




Anything Is Possible (Once I Put On My Big Girl Panties And Just Do It )

Wednesday I was doing a track workout with my trainer. I was feeling kind of blah after a few days of gut issues and migraines. I was not not feeling positive about anything. We talked about signing up for the Clark Lake 5K that is this weekend (in 2 days). Not sure if I really wanted to do it, I decided that I would sign up to be a walker, that way I wouldn’t be disappointed if I couldn’t run the whole thing. I mean why would I be able to? I’ve not been able to run farther than 1.2 -1.5 miles so far.

Today (actually about 2 hours ago) after a phone conversation with Tahny (trainer) I decided that I would sign up as a runner and if I couldn’t do the whole thing then that is fine, I will just do what I can and walk to rest then run again. Somehow That just didn’t seem good enough. Would I be satisfied with not running the whole thing? I mean I’m a big gal, and let’s face it I’m really out of shape so why would I be upset? I knew deep in my heart that I would be disappointed if I didn’t run the whole thing. It would be one more thing that I’ve let myself fail at. I knew that I needed to suck up this self pity mode that I’ve been stuck in and “put on my big girl panties” and just do it.

Lacing up my running shoes (actually my son’s running shoes.  I find that his shoes are just more comfortable), my water bottle of nice cold water, my headphones and cell phone (I really need an iPod), put on Pandora and hopped on the treadmill. I was determined to run 3 miles. I set my speed at 3 mph and just went for it. Ok I know that 3 mph really isn’t that fast but I’m not fast like I used to be and that’s plenty fast enough for me. At about 1.2 miles, my body said Hey this isn’t fun. I kept going. At 1.5 miles my body said “I don’t like this”, and my brain responded “Neither do I”. Yelling out to Caleb (my oldest son), I think trying to find some mental support, I told him that I was struggling with a mental block. He said “Keep going mom, you just have to find a way to get through it and keep going”. I did, I kept going.  I turned up the volume and kept on going only having a minor tear filled melt down. At 2 miles I realized that my breathing was good, and I felt that my running form was good. My brain told my body “Suck it up butter cup this is the farthest you’ve run”. I turned up Pandora just a little bit louder. Then I was at 2.3 miles and I hit another wall. I walked about 20 steps and said to myself “This isn’t good enough! QUIT WALKING!”

I needed to  get my focus off of what I was doing so I could ignore my brain and my body. Looking straight ahead, I found that the boy’s bedroom door was quite boring to look at. I wonder if they would care if I put up a poster of Channing Tatum or Dwayne  Johnson? Yeah that would be worth looking at 😉  Somehow I think they would protest. Wow another good song! That’s awesome Pandora! It’s way easier to keep moving when there is good music playing. I really tried to not look down  at the monitor on the treadmill. UGH still had a quarter of a mile to go! YES another good song!! Will this ever end? 2.7 miles…..another couple of good songs. 2.9 OMG! will this ever end???????

Sweating, wobbly legs, dry throat and no heart attack, I finally reached 3 miles! After my cool down, I danced a happy dance! I felt so proud of myself! I am proud to say that I am a runner! Now I feel confident that I can handle this 5k on Saturday! For me it’s not a race it’s a challenge and a new goal to meet.




What’s Your Motivation?

Every day I wake up and thank God I have another day to get it right, another day to be a better person. Another day to stay positive and focused, and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. But let me be honest there are some days when I feel like my get up and go, got up and went….far far away! Sometimes I can hear the call from the pantry in the kitchen. It’s like a nasty nagging evil minion. Whispering in my ear to get up and eat the kids’ snacks! I have to dig deep to find the strength to tune that pesky nag out, and not head to the kitchen. I had a slight bit of a panic attack the other day when I thought about having to attend 2 cook outs with family and friends this Memorial Day weekend. All my favorite foods! And I’m on a 21 day detox, and trying to loose weight. How am I going to do this? I am a food addict being placed in a smorgasbord of delicious and wonderful tasting food! There is always way too much food, and most of it is quite honestly not healthy. So How do I keep motivated to eat my healthy detox eating while everyone else is chomping on burgers off the grill, potato salad, chips and home made blue cheese dip? UGH!!

How am I going to do it? Just pray and pack lots of fruits and veggies along with my detox meal and eat it with the knowledge that I am determined to be successful! I need to remind myself that I have lost 19 pounds in just about 3 weeks! I’m going to do it because I know that  weekend will make me stronger mentally!

I think about my friends who are supportive. It’s nice to get a phone call or a text that says “Just thinking about you. Keep up the hard work”. “You can do this” “Said a prayer for you to be successful”. Small things like that sure boost the confidence. When I really feel I am faltering I draw my motivation from my kiddos. My oldest son, Caleb, wants to loose weight, but hasn’t hit rock bottom yet like  I did, so he is not 100% committed. So I hope when he sees me working hard on getting healthy, and sees the results it will motivate him. My daughter, Hannah,  my baby, my mini me, is another motivation. I want her to grow to be a strong healthy eater. I see a few of my eating tendencies in her and I want her to learn now while she is young the importance of eating healthy. My Middle son, Zach, is a big motivation. He is my child who does not have it in him to give up. He has always been that way. He is built like a runner, but plays football like he is a huge 250 pound lineman! He doesn’t know the word quit. This year’s track season was his second year of running distance seriously. Every meet he dropped time off of each event he ran in. Tuesday this week he ran in the conference meet. He ran another personal best. He took third in the conference. The kid who took second, was only 2 seconds ahead of Zach. This kid has beaten  Zach all season by a 1/4  lap  in every event they were both in. Zach had never been able to catch up with him. Not this week! Zach had determination that he would yet again drop time off his run. He led this kid the whole race until the very end. It was great watching  the determination and mental strength it took Zach to catch this kid and lead him the whole race, even if he lost in the end.  His two mile didn’t go as well. heading into the 2nd mile his head dropped and I could tell that he was struggling. He still ran another personal best pushing hard the whole way. But at the end of the race, he blacked out. His sugar had dropped. Zach is hypoglycemic, and just didn’t have enough  in him (even with his necessary snacks). If this 16 year old child of mine can push so hard and never give up, striving to be the best that he can be, can’t I do the same?  He sets a goal, and achieves it. If he can do that, I can too!

This is Zach in his mile race Tuesday, ahead of a kid that has always beaten him. Don’t you just love the neon socks and shoes?


We all can find motivation anywhere we look whether it be from books, people, art, music, nature. Where do you get your motivation from?

Baby Steps

 Is there anyone who doesn’t love babies? My greatest joy in life was becoming a mom!  Burying  my nose in their little necks and breathing in that fresh baby smell. Baby kisses, baby giggles, baby smiles, and baby love. The best thing about being a mom is watching my kids (who are now 18,16 and 14) grow and develop. I loved watching their eyes light up when they discovered how to put their toes in their mouths. Or the smiles when a toy made a funny sound and surprised them. The out stretched hands when comfort was needed. The most amazing thing was watching my kids learn how to walk. To take those baby steps learning to trust their own bodies to do what comes naturally. To trust that mommy was going to be there to catch them if they fell.  It’s all about them learning, growing, trusting and having determination.

I was thinking yesterday that this journey to a new me is going to be so hard. Giving up my comfort foods…ugh the cravings. Food is my addiction. I am a food-aholic (is that even a word?) Am I ever going to be able to fix what is so wrong? Can I ever learn to stop this desire to self destruct by over eating? Fighting back tears I prayed that I find the strength to defeat  this cycle that I am in. Then I saw this post:

“It may be difficult, but God will never ask you to do something and then not give you the power to do it. Whatever tests you’re facing, you have the grace to pass them.” Joel Osteen Ministries

YES! I heard that loud and clear. It’s like that was just for me 🙂

This journey to the new me has to be about baby steps. Easing myself in to the necessary changes to get healthy. I’m trying  new things every day. I’m learning that I still have the strength and determination that has been long buried. I’m growing in strength mentally and physically as I exercise daily. It’s going to be a long process, but I know that it’s possible! I have to learn to trust those who are helping me and supporting me. I have to learn to trust myself to stick with my plan. To understand that setbacks will happen. To trust myself not to fall apart when those setbacks happen.

My sons’ wrestling coaches would say “It takes dedication, discipline and desire to be a winner”  How true is that?  I get it. I understand it.  But still I need baby steps! I have to ease into this. I don’t want to get overwhelmed!  This is a process of growth and development. I will lean on my family, friends and God for support. Trusting that they will catch me when I fall. I will have tears of frustration, but I will survive. I will be a brand new me….taking my baby steps! Eventually those baby steps will lead to bigger, longer more steady, self-confident strides.