Well Hello, Muscles I Didn’t Know I had…

Yesterday I completed the farthest distance I’ve done to date since I started my quest to loose weight. I power walked 4.33 miles. It took me 1:09:25 at a pace of 16:01 min/mi, at a speed of 3.7 mph (thanks Map My Run app for logging my information). It wasn’t super fast but hey I did it! Later in the evening I went to a strength training class. Yeah that was fun (I think). It was a good work out, and my muscles really felt the burn, but it really wasn’t my favorite way to exercise. My brain was screaming “Hello, muscles I didn’t know I had!” It seriously was a class that made my body hurt… muscles are going to love me in the morning… or maybe they will hate me in the morning and love me in a few months” (the jury is still out on that). I do think I prefer the weight machines in the gym.

This morning, I went on a short run. The sun was shining, and the air was nice and chilly. I am a big woman and I get hot really easily, so the coolness was a relief. I took my run around our neighborhood. I plugged in my ear buds and turned up the music, and started Map My Run. I felt a little stiff, but it wasn’t too bad. I get about 5 houses away from my house, and the evil nasty little monsters of the neighborhood came out and attacked me! It’s like they were waiting for me so they could leap out of the bushes and get me! These monsters are the neighbor’s Chihuahuas. Now I’m not talking about one or two…I’m talking about an army of obnoxious yapping chihuahuas that bite at your feet. Seriously these dogs are so obnoxious that when I’ve walked my dog he gets scared and tucks his tail, and he is a Great Dane! I am not an animal hater, but I seriously feel like drop kicking shooing these little yapping heel biters. Or at least zap them with a taser  yell for their owner to round up the nasty neighborhood terrors. Seriously someone needs to call the Dog Whisperer to come tame these nasty snarly demons dogs. LOL I’m kidding  not kidding  It’s not that bad (I’m trying to be nice), but they are seriously annoying.

(this is a look that I encounter on my block… not so cute)

I made it past the annoying dogs, and kept on going.  I initially thought I’d get in one mile, but once the little terrors got my adrenalin pumping from fighting to protect my feet, I ended up with a run of  2.21 miles, Took me 00:32:06 to complete at the speed of 4.1 mph and burning 537 calories.  Some may not think that’s impressive, but for me that’s an improvement. I feel that I’m probably stronger than I think I am, but with my size and extra 100 pounds of weight I can’t move as well as I’d like, and I’d probably be a little faster too. I do feel stronger, and I am also finding that I’d rather be out moving than sitting around the house when I don’t have photography or cake jobs to do. I find that getting out twice a day to exercise (which I’v done every day this week) is super fulfilling, and keeps me feeling like I’m making progress.

Making progress is something that I talk with my trainer about all the time. I see progress but just not on the scale (which is what I feel will show true progress). She told me to stop looking at it that way. I needed to start thinking of exercising as just another way I take care of myself daily. Just like brushing my teeth, taking a shower or anything else that I do on a daily basis. Never thought of it that way. To think of it as an activity of daily living…yeah that make sense.

I  need to remind myself daily that no matter how slow I go, I’m still passing those on the couch.

I have to remind myself that when my muscles are sore to never give up on myself!  To make ME a priority and keep pushing myself! That I will be surprised at what I can achieve!

When I’m feeling like I’m just going no where and it’s just not worth it anymore, I have to remind myself that I promised to do my best. My best will vary from day to day, from hour to hour, from minute to minute. But in that minute, I will do the very best I can.

When I hurt and I’m tired I have to tell myself  that it’s OK  to scream, yell, swear, shout, cry, whimper, grunt, bleed, puke and pass out.. JUST DON’T QUIT!

So on that positive note I’m off to take a nice walk before it gets dark out, and hopefully I can avoid the neighborhood terror squad!

Have a blessed evening




Being Alone Is Not Always Bad

Lately I’ve had my grumpy pants on, and today I put on the whole suit with socks to match. I’ve been holding on to anger and resentment. Feelings that do nothing but make me miserable.  I feel that I’m not getting the support that I need. Let’s be honest I am not getting the support I deserve. That sounds conceited, but that’s not the way I intend it to be. It’s just how I feel. I really don’t need to dive into details because that will not do any good.

I can continue to be angry that when I beg for my family to stand up and support me, and to realize that I need their cheers, I need them to be by my side. I look up and they aren’t there.

I can continue to be angry, but I will do my best to not be.

I can continue to be hurt when I ask someone to come with me on a walk or a run, and no one seems to want to put aside what they are doing to give me 30 minutes.

I can continue to be hurt, but I will try to do my best to not be.

I can be furious when I hear that I’m being selfish because I ask for some support. To be told that it’s not right for me to ask someone to change just because I want to change (I’m not asking for them to change just to care enough to cheer me on, and not to complain when I bring healthy food into the house). Well alrighty then I guess I won’t ask any more.

I can be furious but I will try my best to not be.

But not right now I’m still hurting and angry!

I am in a fight for my life! I am in a fight to be able to see my kids graduate from college. I’m in a fight to live long enough to see them get married! I’m in a fight to live long enough to see my grand-kids born! I am fighting to control diabetes. I’m Fighting because a heart attack is a horrible way to go. I’m fighting because I want to live! So yeah I’m being selfish! I’m possibly the most selfish person there is right now! I will not apologize for wanting, needing support from my family. I will not, cannot continue to feel bad that they can’t/won’t/don’t want to stand behind me. That’s on them not me.  I have enough negative emotions towards myself that I don’t need to hold negative emotions towards others. My husband is right I can’t force him exercise, or to eat healthy. That’s on him. I can’t make him care. That’s on him.

As I walked this morning I used it as a time to reflect and pray.

I think it’s better to do this on my own than to have someone alongside me that doesn’t want to be there. Sometimes, it’s better to be alone.

It’s OK to be alone if I’m doing something positive for myself.

It’s OK to be alone if I learn to have faith and confidence and to  be proud of  what I’m doing.

It’s OK to be alone because deep inside I know I’m not alone. I have God watching over me, and I have friends who are huge supporters, and I do have family that cheer me on, and  would love to be right there next to me if we lived closer to each other.

It’s OK to be alone and to reflect and pray because it results in a nice long power walk of 4.33 miles!

It’s OK to be alone when it allows me to see that sometimes it’s alright for me to have emotional moments as long as I can let things go and not let them consume me.

It’s OK to be alone because it helps me to remember that even if they don’t support me the way I’d like, my family still loves me!

It’s OK to be alone because now I’m not so angry

Yeah, it’s OK to be alone sometimes

It’s Not Shuffling…It’s Running!

Today I  Started out bright and early to meet Tahny, my trainer for my first 5k run in literally over 20 years. I thought it was more like 15 but after doing the math I realized my last 5k was PK (pre -kids). I was full of nerves and exhausted due to no sleep the night before (nerves and gut issues due to nerves), but very determined to face the challenge that I gave myself (see previous blog Anything Is Possible). Tahny talked to me about what my game plan was. Game plan? What’s that? I really just only wanted to run this 5k and finish. I didn’t care how long it took. So I guess that was my game plan.

(my number)

We got registered and put on our numbers and took a quick bathroom break, and headed to the starting line. I would have to say at this point I was OK. Pretty calm. We decided that I would let Tahny know when I was comfortable and she could go on ahead of me when she wanted. I was OK with that because I had my music, and I didn’t want to hold her back. Enter the first melt down (as I have said before I like things stress free with no hitches or I tend to come a tad unglued). My music wouldn’t load! How can I do this with no music to drown out my thoughts and breathing? I literally started fidgeting  to keep the tears back. After a few minutes I was able to calm my self down. Seriously who has a melt down because of music?  I couldn’t be the only person there to have a  panic attack! That would be so embarrassing!!! Enter melt down number two…yeah I said it number two and the race hadn’t even started!  All of us runners of the 5k parted and watched as the 12k runners  started their race. As I’m watching all the fit and tone bodies run by looking so confident and strong the tears started flowing. Partly because that used to be me, and I know what it’s like to be that way. I also teared up because I realized what I was getting ready to do. I am a big lady, and it’s a lot to run with at least 100 extra pounds on your body. I was scared that I couldn’t complete the race. I knew I could walk it. I wanted/needed to run it.

We faced the starting line every one squished in ready to go. Then the “cannon” (that’s what I will call it because that’s what it sounded like) and the crowd of 5k runners started. Off we went. I felt a lot of the adrenalin  from those around me and tried not to focus on that. I knew that in order to complete my goal of running the whole run I had to do my pace, which is incredibly slow. As we started to be able to spread out I was feeling a little less emotional. Soon I was passed by a speed walker that started after the runners. He passed like I was a snail. Then came the mom with two kids in a stroller. Ok that was no big deal, but when the grandma (no offense to the elderly because I love the elderly) passed me and she was walking I knew I was in a for a tough time. But Tahny just kept encouraging me. Reassuring me that I was doing just fine.

Thany and I had discussed that at any time I felt that if I felt OK she would run on ahead and run her race.  She was really not running the way she would if I wasn’t there to slow her down, but I was completely OK with her talking to me guiding me. We had also discussed if I had an “OK shut up” moment I was to let her know. My first “OK shut up” came after the first hill and these ladies who were walking, and yes passing me were laughingly discussing that the first mile marker hadn’t been passed yet. Really? That’s what hey needed to talk about and so loudly?? OK shut up now! That’s another reason I wanted my music! I think I may have grumbled under my breath a little. Tahny kept saying that my speed walk was faster than my run. I shrugged and said I wanted to run. After a hearing this a few time I felt a little guilty because I felt that I was slowing her down. I told her to run ahead, but she stayed with me.

Right around the one mile mark, I felt some sense of relief that my breathing felt easier, and my legs were OK and not feeling tired. Tahny said again that if I needed to walk I could (after all it was faster than my running) Once again I refused. She said “wow you are stubborn” I honestly don’t thing she was being mean. I think she had a goal set for my time (she had the watch) and maybe thought I wouldn’t meet that time.  But yeah I was being stubborn. I wanted to run the whole race! Shortly after the one mile mark the We started to see the 12 runners on their 6th mile. Holy cow the front runners were still looking so strong! maybe I felt a tad bit of envy, but I still said “good job” as they passed me.  We approached the two mile mark and Tahny said that once there we would have our one big hill. She said “Feel free to power walk up the hill or not it’s your race do what you want” I think I may have walked up the hill, but then she said “Your walk is faster than your shuffle”  My response sounded kind of whiny as I loudly said “IT’S NOT A SHUFFLE IT’S RUNNING!” Ok maybe it was a shuffle but I was really trying. Yet once again I think she was trying to make sure I didn’t get discouraged. I love her for that! I love the fact that she cared enough to stick by me, and offer words of encouragement even if she thought I was shuffling. I ran up the hill. It wasn’t a big hill, but it was still a hill.  At the top we rounded a corner and were in for the home stretch. I felt good. I had a slight butt cramp, but other than that I felt good. My pace was steady. I never went slower than the pace I started at. I guess that’s good.

Right around the 2.5 mile mark Tahny said she was leaving me so she could be at the finish line with her camera so she could capture my finish.  As soon as I was alone I felt like an abandoned child. I wanted to yell “wait don’t leave me! Come back!” Enter melt down three (I’m so pathetic) Tears that I had been fighting back began to flow. Tears of joy. I was almost finished with something that just a short time ago seemed impossible. As I rounded the last turn I heard a few people that were watching the race shouting out cheers for me! Telling me that I was doing great. I had tears of sadness, because my family was not among the voices that I heard. Their faces weren’t among the ones at the finish line. As I entered the entrance to the finish line, I heard someone yelling my name and cheering me on. It was a lady I had just met before the race. She came back to the finish line to cheer me on! That was pretty cool. Not as cool as it would have been if my family was there showing their support….but still pretty cool. I finished the race in under an hour. I don’t know my placement or official time, I just know it was under an hour. I’m happy with that! I set a goal, and I achieved that goal. I’m happy with that!

I never dreamed that I would ever be able to run in a 5k again. I never thought that I would be so excited about running again. Once the tears stopped and I recovered my breath, and ate some watermelon, I realized that I had fun! I’m ready for my next 5K!



Anything Is Possible (Once I Put On My Big Girl Panties And Just Do It )

Wednesday I was doing a track workout with my trainer. I was feeling kind of blah after a few days of gut issues and migraines. I was not not feeling positive about anything. We talked about signing up for the Clark Lake 5K that is this weekend (in 2 days). Not sure if I really wanted to do it, I decided that I would sign up to be a walker, that way I wouldn’t be disappointed if I couldn’t run the whole thing. I mean why would I be able to? I’ve not been able to run farther than 1.2 -1.5 miles so far.

Today (actually about 2 hours ago) after a phone conversation with Tahny (trainer) I decided that I would sign up as a runner and if I couldn’t do the whole thing then that is fine, I will just do what I can and walk to rest then run again. Somehow That just didn’t seem good enough. Would I be satisfied with not running the whole thing? I mean I’m a big gal, and let’s face it I’m really out of shape so why would I be upset? I knew deep in my heart that I would be disappointed if I didn’t run the whole thing. It would be one more thing that I’ve let myself fail at. I knew that I needed to suck up this self pity mode that I’ve been stuck in and “put on my big girl panties” and just do it.

Lacing up my running shoes (actually my son’s running shoes.  I find that his shoes are just more comfortable), my water bottle of nice cold water, my headphones and cell phone (I really need an iPod), put on Pandora and hopped on the treadmill. I was determined to run 3 miles. I set my speed at 3 mph and just went for it. Ok I know that 3 mph really isn’t that fast but I’m not fast like I used to be and that’s plenty fast enough for me. At about 1.2 miles, my body said Hey this isn’t fun. I kept going. At 1.5 miles my body said “I don’t like this”, and my brain responded “Neither do I”. Yelling out to Caleb (my oldest son), I think trying to find some mental support, I told him that I was struggling with a mental block. He said “Keep going mom, you just have to find a way to get through it and keep going”. I did, I kept going.  I turned up the volume and kept on going only having a minor tear filled melt down. At 2 miles I realized that my breathing was good, and I felt that my running form was good. My brain told my body “Suck it up butter cup this is the farthest you’ve run”. I turned up Pandora just a little bit louder. Then I was at 2.3 miles and I hit another wall. I walked about 20 steps and said to myself “This isn’t good enough! QUIT WALKING!”

I needed to  get my focus off of what I was doing so I could ignore my brain and my body. Looking straight ahead, I found that the boy’s bedroom door was quite boring to look at. I wonder if they would care if I put up a poster of Channing Tatum or Dwayne  Johnson? Yeah that would be worth looking at 😉  Somehow I think they would protest. Wow another good song! That’s awesome Pandora! It’s way easier to keep moving when there is good music playing. I really tried to not look down  at the monitor on the treadmill. UGH still had a quarter of a mile to go! YES another good song!! Will this ever end? 2.7 miles…..another couple of good songs. 2.9 OMG! will this ever end???????

Sweating, wobbly legs, dry throat and no heart attack, I finally reached 3 miles! After my cool down, I danced a happy dance! I felt so proud of myself! I am proud to say that I am a runner! Now I feel confident that I can handle this 5k on Saturday! For me it’s not a race it’s a challenge and a new goal to meet.




This Is My Happy Face

I haven’t blogged in a while. I haven’t had much to report. Nothing exciting has been happening in my weight loss journey. I’m still struggling with being positive, and up beat about this whole process. But some days are harder than others! Especially when I don’t see the progress that I want to see.

This last month has kind of been like a yo-yo. Two pounds down, two pounds up. Not really going anywhere. Frustrating! Frustrating! Did I say FRUSTRATING?!? Every day I remember to smile and thank God that I have one more day to keep working on loosing the weight and to get healthier. Thank Him that I haven’t yet dropped  from a heart attack…try to remember to be thankful for the little things like that.

Years ago I was watching some cheer leading movie that had Tommy Lee Jones in it. He was playing a FBI agent under cover as a Texas college cheer coach. He was supposed to be smiling and showing his “happy face” to the whole crowd at the football game. His expression was more of a grimace. The assistant coach said “Show them your happy face” through clenched teeth he said “This is my happy face”. That’s it! That’s exactly how I feel!  Some days are easy to laugh and be up beat. the other days…not so much. I just grin and bear it, and say “This is my happy face”.

I’m not depressed. Honestly I’m not (my doctor says I’m mentally sound). I just have a personality that likes things to be smooth and easy, and when that doesn’t happen I seriously stress out and want to throw in the towel and say that’s it I’m done (yeah it makes my life way harder than it should ever be). Easy? Yeah right! That’s NOT how this has been! It hasn’t been easy. Every day I want to say screw it! I’ll stay fat and happy! But the reality is that I’m not fat and happy. I’m fat and miserable!

 This is my happy face!

So onward I go. I’m doing my interval training and my trainer has just added some weights to my exercising. Trying to stay positive I remind myself that I can see changes. I was able to get the treadmill up to a new high speed for me on my interval training (5 miles per hour). That’s a good thing. My favorite pink t-shirt is a little  looser. That’s a good thing. I’ve lost head to toe a combined total of 4 inches. That’s a good thing. I’m down 25 pounds. That’s a good thing. I had to by new underwear because my old ones were getting too big (TMI I know but hey at least something was getting to big). That’s a good thing. I feel like I’m getting a little stronger. That’s a good thing. Small things. It’s the small things that I have to remind myself of. That way the big things don’t seem impossible!

This is my happy face!

This week has been a good week even with the yo-yo stuff on the scale. I got my daughter into the gym with me. On the way home she said that she was surprised at how hard I work in the gym. That made me feel good. I felt stronger on my treadmill work outs. I loved the introduction of the weights but not the sore muscles. I loved the fact that I was able to do some stadium stairs after walking two miles on the track. Maybe my walk could have been a bit faster, but my legs and butt were still a tad sore from the weights. But hey I completed my work out!

This is my happy face!

This is not easy for me. I really want to walk away from it all. But I won’t, I can’t. I know that when I really start to see bigger results I will begin to feel more excited and pumped up.  I’m just wondering when that will be? When will this plateau be over? When will I feel like true progress has been made? When will I see a big physical difference?  When? When? When?


Love And Hate: Fighting My Emotions

Dear self, I hate what you have done to your body.

Dear self, I love that you are trying to change what you have done to your body.

Dear body, I hate that you are not cooperating with my efforts to get healthy.

Dear body, I hate that as hard as I am working the weight is not coming off.

Dear body, I hate that diabetes is a huge factor in not losing weight.

Dear self, I hate that you allowed your body to get so over weight that diabetes is now a problem.

Dear self, I love that even with all the struggles you keep trying. Keep working through the emotions and self doubt.

This is so stinking hard! Did I make the right decision to not go through with weight loss surgery? I have been working so hard to loose weight and it seems like I am facing an uphill battle! This stupid diabetes is not helping! If I eat, my sugar levels go up (even with medicine). If I cut back then my sugar drops way too low when I exercise, and I can’t work out as hard or as long as I need to. I hate this unhealthy feeling I’m having towards food. I am beginning to hate food. I am eating healthy but it doesn’t seem to matter.  I started at the gym. I do great when I am there, but when I don’t get there working out on my own is so hard. I do it but it’s just so tough doing it on my own. I feel like I have support but I also feel alone at the same time. I keep telling myself to not give up. That I have  to keep doing what I am doing. Yet I wonder how long will I mentally be able to stick with this if I don’t see any progress. Sigh…I hate days like this.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will keep on trying. I will keep on working. I will try to do more than I was able to do today.