Funny how we often let what others say and think influence how we feel. How others opinions influence how we think. Or how the actions of others lead us to follow them. Ok maybe it’s not funny, it’s quite sad actually. Sometimes the thoughts and opinions of others can change us to the point where we start to believe what they are spewing out. Look how commercials influence us. All the books that tell us how we should think, how to be or not be. The way music influences people. I know the music that I listen to can change my mood or my thoughts at that particular moment (my praise and worship music can soothe my troubled heart in just a few songs). Society influences us all in one way or another.
Often it’s the words, opinions and actions of those we know that can influence us the most. Those are the things that can either break a person down or build a person up quicker than those of a stranger.
About two months ago I was working in the nursery at my church. It was snack time for the kids. As I was putting some cereal in small cups for each of the kids, I told them to all sit down around the table. One of the kids said “You can’t have snack” That’s interesting I have never had snack with them before so I asked why I couldn’t have snack. This child said “because you are fat”. Ouch! That one smarted. In one simple sentence, opinion, action from a preschooler I felt deflated like a balloon. Kids are so brutally honest. They say what they think and really could careless if it’s hurtful or not. They call it as they see it.
This child was right, I am fat (although I prefer to say I’m fluffy, it sounds better). In four little words from a small child my self-esteem took a dive that day. Yes, I know how people see me. I know what society thinks about big people (I used to be that way myself. I was not always fat). If a child is thinking it aren’t others thinking it to? I just didn’t need that reminder from a small child! To be honest It’s nothing that I haven’t said to myself over and over again. It’s just harder coming out of the mouths of others (how pathetic that I let a small child’s words affect me like that…I really need therapy!).
A little over a month ago I was talking to a dear friend of mine. We were sitting on her deck having a nice chat. She said to me “I get it. I understand your frustrations. But you can do this. I told you I will help you and I will”. The conversation we had over the next few hours was so uplifting and left me feeling confident that I could make the necessary changes in my life. Her opinion, thoughts, and actions left me feeling more confident in myself. It was what I needed to hear as I was convincing myself that to have weight loss surgery was not the way I should go. That I needed to do this on my own or I would not learn to deal with the issues that cause me to over eat. Convincing myself that I would have more satisfaction when I achieved my goal on my own. I left her house with a game plan. I was confident that success was going to be achieved this time! That failure was in the past.
Through my friend’s help I started a detox. I mentioned it in an earlier post. It’s the Ultimate Reset by Beachbody. It’s a good program really. It’s easy to follow, and is gentle on the system. I’ve been spent the last three weeks resetting my body on the inside. Cleaning out the toxins from all the junk I’d been eating. I will give a more detailed opinion when I am totally finished with the detox in a later post. The last few weeks have been very regimented and scheduled out. It’s been fairly easy. But as I approach the end my confidence is taking a hit. I’ve lost 21 pounds in about a month, I can see subtle changes…very subtle… but over the last week I’ve not lost a single pound, and that’s frustrating. When the weight was coming off steadily I was confident, encouraged, and ready to attack weight loss and getting healthy head on!
After a trip to Trader Joes in Ann Arbor this week with my dear friend Tahny and two other friends from church, I said that I felt like being on the detox was like being in rehab. And now that it’s winding down to the last week it’s like I’m leaving rehab and having to face the real world again. I’m ready for it to be done so I can put into action on my own what I’ve learned. Yet at the same time I wonder will I be able to cope? Will I be able to resist the urges to binge eat to control emotions? Will I be able to add some foods back into my diet and be able to resist the urge to not over eat? These feelings are so real and raw that I literally feel like I am going into a panic when I think about it too much. UGH! At what point in my life will this be under control? Will there always be the urge to use food to soothe emotions? Will this always be a stress point for me? Will I ever attain my goals to be off all diabetic meds, and to be at a healthy weight?
Trying to keep confident and fired up, I told Tahny that I’m ready to get into the fitness center and get working! She told me that the few pounds I’ve lost so far is the “easy fat”. That what comes next is getting off the “hard fat”, and that’s going to take time and lots of hard work, but when it starts to come off the transformation will begin. I’m ready to transform, I’m ready to change. I’m ready to hold on to the confidence that I need to stay on this path to a healthy me! But I am also terrified of failure. Failure will be devastating. Failure will kill me, my health is such that if I can’t succeed I will have a short life ahead of me. Do I have what it takes to dig deep and do what will be necessary to succeed?
I need to just chill out don’t I?
Maybe I need to take some yoga classes to help me relax and not stress so much!