Changes

Spring is here. It’s the season for changes. The time of year when nature comes to life. One of my favorite seasons. We have a pair of Sand Hill Cranes that nest across the street. Every spring I sit and watch from my window as the mama and papa walk their baby across the street and through my yard. So very cute! I love seeing the flowers bloom, the leaves turning green. The grass under my feet is something that I look forward to.  Life just changes and transforms when it’s spring time.

  Butterflies are pretty amazing. Seeing their transformation from squirmy caterpillars to beautifully colored butterflies fluttering around flower to flower, is truly a sight to behold. It’s a change. A necessary change for their species to continue. Their transformation can’t be easy. Working so hard to make a cocoon to live in while their bodies do a complete change and be totally unrecognizable from what they started out as. Then breaking out of their cocoons and stretching their wings so they can fly off. That’s a lot of hard work 🙂

Changes are not always what we want in life. Change can often be hard to handle. Change sometimes is truly necessary for us in order to survive. Someone who comes from a violent home must decide to change. To break the cycle of violence.  An alcoholic/drug addict must change, decide that they don’t want that lifestyle any more. Change can often be overwhelming, and fill us with fear.

I am a person who does not deal with change.  I like my comfort zone. I need my life to be the same day in and day out. No curve balls, no crazy twists and turns.  I get very uncomfortable being pushed outside my comfort zone. I feel judged. It’s like I can see people whispering about me. Why is this?  Society is NOT nice to the plus sized.

Failing health has forced me to examine my life. I need to make changes. If I don’t I won’t be around to enjoy my golden years. To see my children get married and start families.

I have been making daily changes. I can’t begin to express how hard it is. I have made myself tell people about my journey back to health. I started this blog  because I need to talk about about my feelings. I need to share my success and failures.  I need accountability. THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE! Sharing puts me in the direct line of fire to those who may criticize or judge. This makes me very vulnerable. Takes me out of my hiding. UGH how I hate feeling vulnerable!

If I’m sharing my changes with the world I can’t sit back and eat a bag of chips and dip. I can’t drink my favorite soft drink. I would feel guilty if I scarfed down a  box of cookies. I would feel like I am disappointing those who are my supporters. I would be letting them down.  But worse off I would be letting myself down. I don’t want to be a failure. Failure cannot be an option. (By the way I have not had my favorite soft drink in over a week, and I have not eaten chips. I did have one cookie today… but I didn’t enjoy it… ha-ha OK I did enjoy it  just a little )

The biggest challenge I face is being optimistic. That’s a huge change. To be able to stop saying “this is impossible” and start saying “I can do this”. That has become my mantra. The words I say over and over.  The reality is that I will have difficult days. I will struggle. I will have to work hard.  The changes in my life and in my attitude will make me successful…right?

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